This is not how I imagined my summer to be thus far. Not to say it hasn’t been wonderful; I got a second job, spend time with Leemz and my gal down the street, chillin. I just imagined it to be like the summer after senior year when all my friends were together all the time and it wasn’t hard to get a hold of people, or some people actually cared enough to try and make plans or chill for a few hours. Yeah. I guess I just see people growing farther and farther away from me slowly. And I guess that’s life, and I guess that’s their bad decision.

• Having several bad days in a row after a pretty solid week sucks. 
• If I don’t find another part time job asap I’m going to go insane.
• I just feel like I’m not close to my girlfriends anymore. Idk, I’ve kinda changed this last year and I don’t want to go out and get drunk every weekend or go out in general I just wanna watch movies and eat bad food and try new beer and maybe surf the web or read a book near by a friend idk. I just don’t care about high school drama anymore or college drama or drama in general or gossip. I’ve been trying to focus on myself and maybe because of that I’ve withdrawn from others; well, that’s the case most likely. I want to exchange stories about what we’re reading not what your ass hole boyfriend did this time, and I want to be active during the day, but apparently people dont do that anymore augfinskjdlgnaekrhdfgjg I just feel out of the loop… out of a loop I don’t care to be in.
• Liam and I are making really exciting plans for the future and I’m so fucking excited to see how they pan out and I love him so much and he’s the most rad person I know who is completely foolish and silly and childlike and sometimes says really fucking stupid stuff all the time and thats exactly how I am too, and I’m just so happy we’re together and I have so much fucking fun with him always and the other day when we woke up he made me french toast and coffee and we played catch and smoked a bowl and he made a hookah out of his ciroc bottle which was kind of silly but he’s an odd one and its all really okay with me. Run on sentences. 

So. My mom has spoken at several conferences about self harm over the years. Because of this, people within education know her name locally. EMU called her and asked if she would like to make and teach a one time class on self harm; 6 hours and $1,000. Of course she is taking this opportunity. She also gets paid to make up the entire course because it’s the first of it’s kind, type of thing.

She came up to me yesterday, “I have 6 hours to fill, I was wondering if you would be interested in being a guest speaker. Only if you think you’re comfortable with it though. And of course I’d cut some of the cash with you.”

So I don’t know. Part of me thinks it could be helpful and therapeutic, and I’d be getting cash money for just talking… But then again like, it’s one of those things about me that everyone knows but no one talk about so I’d be telling this lecture hall full of kids something very personal and private about me. I  D O N T K N O W.

thoughts?

• went to a gay bar
• saw some drag
• they have perfectly sculpted legs; a bit jealous…
• danced my ass off
• going over to Liams soon.

My thoughts always seem unorganized so bullet points always do the trick:

• a few days ago you contacted me via email. What am I to make of that, didn’t we say goodbye for a reason? But I’ll a silly young, naive girl, and I emailed you back. You were a friend, maybe more… but if you’re not a dad yet, you will be in the next few months. I’m still not okay with it. But yes, I miss you.
• I’ve gained so much weight, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. Half of me doesn’t care, because I’m a brilliant human being underneath all the self loathing and sickness I breed, I have an amazing family, and amazing boyfriend (an all-around phenomenal support system), an awesome dog, and I’m truly “blessed”. Why would weight even matter? But the other half of me is like, “whoa you’ve always strictly controlled something in your life, whether it be self-harm, not eating, exercise, relationships, etc. Now you have nothing in control, you should panic.” So I don’t know. Maybe it’s nice not to be in control. I still exercise as I did normally. My mile time is still average, about 10 minutes. That leads me to think that maybe this is a healthy weight for me. Why do these things matter so much? When I have a child I am going to make sure they know that they are the most perfect human being and unique in every way and to never think anything but. They will be happy, active, intelligent, world-thinkers. Yeah…
• Maddie gets a hair cut tomorrow (today) at 9 (5 hours)! She’s so fucking adorable looking like a mop head, but she will be far too hot once spring ends, and she gets dirty and knotted so fast with long hair; this is for the best my love.
• I was going to finish my paper after work and go to bed but I finished my paper and then dicked around, and then had a burst of energy and now I’m here…. contemplating a jog, but its in the 30s on this weird spring night/morning in lil’ Metro Detroit.
• I feel like a bad friend. My friends that I would consider close to, don’t confide in me at all. I know they have things that bother them or get them down, why don’t they come to me? Is it because I don’t come to them for my problems enough? Is it because they think I don’t care. I have a bad habit of coming off as cold, or unemotional. That’s not true at all though. I’m highly sensitive, but not very emotional I guess you could say… But I’m here. And I care. And I love you all. I want to make things better in any way I can for anyone I care about. Even if it’s just someone to listen to you speak, or yell or vent…. I’ll even hug you. Sometimes I like to hug too…. I don’t know, these are my, introvert problems?…..

Life is generally sad.